“July 2, 2007: On Sunday the Js were there. They were playing around and I think they were talking about me. Jo calls the oldest brothers Beaver and Leprechaun. They are so hot. I wanted to stare at them, but when I did, they kept looking at me. Jo said they’re mean. That did seem true, but when I first knew them, I thought they were so nice and sweet. What happened?
Most of my life, I wished I did not have a mother, or that I had a different one. I wanted someone whom I knew, could have a friendship with, and that would take care of my emotional needs. I wanted to trust her and to truly love her. I eventually accepted that I could not have the relationship with my mother that I wanted. I would keep her at a distance because that was safest for me.