What do you do when nothing can soothe you? When your heart is pounding and your mind can’t focus and you feel like you’ll be stuck in this bubble of negativity? Many times, I open my meditation app only to scroll through and close the app in frustration. It’s hard to sit still with onesContinue reading “Bath Stew”
Today is Easter Sunday. This means nothing to me as I do not follow any religion. It’s been a pretty boring day. I made a mental list of things I want to do to keep myself busy. I am finishing up digitizing all of my family videos. This project has taken me a few monthsContinue reading “The Waiting Game”
Tonight I went to the liquor store with my boyfriend. We haven’t really spoken in about three days. Last Tuesday we had a couples therapy session and it was not good. Not good at all. I was so angry and I lashed out a lot. Justifiably so, but it doesn’t make it any less harder.Continue reading “Liquor Store”
I haven’t had the motivation to write for months, in my journal or otherwise. When I’m feeling really down, writing starts to feel like a chore. This is what’s been happening for the past few months: I have barely gotten any work acting (surprise surprise). I now have a psychiatrist and have been on medicationContinue reading “My Mental Health and Medication”
I’m in bed right now barely able to do anything because I’m experiencing severe nausea. I even had to go and crouch in front of the toilet with my head hanging over, hoping that if something came up I wouldn’t get anything on my favorite Stranger Things sweater. I came back to my room andContinue reading “Living With My Ex”
For the majority of my life, I have not identified with or liked the name that my parents assigned me at birth. It is a religious name, and commonly a male name. The latter has been the most difficult as I am often misgendered at medical appointments and government agencies. I visited my parents forContinue reading “DeadName”
“December 25, 2007: Christmas Eve 10:19AM: I had a dream about going on this evil enchanted train and I knew all about it but dad wouldn’t admit it. Then we landed at this city where there were evil creatures everywhere spying on each other, trying to kill each other. I turned into a raven andContinue reading “DreamsFromDiary5”
“March 27, 2008: The past week has been mid-terms. In dance, we’re supposed to run rally choreography, but the freshmen aren’t getting along so well today. Mom sent Ms. Rogers an email. It’s ok. The experience only made me stronger. “ I downplayed my experiences with the other freshman. They were very disrespectful and madeContinue reading “Diary5Part3: DancingQueen”
“January 13, 2008: Me and dad clashed again today cuz I wanted to come home early to do homework and chores after 1st service. He was talking about me putting dance before church and homework and shit. He’s got it all twisted. At least I was thinking about getting it done. He doesn’t understand theContinue reading “Diary5Part2: Homecoming”
Note: This is a long Post! It’s a bit challenging to fit an entire diary into a few blog posts but I’d rather not do 60 million parts. I was able to fit this one into 3. This diary starts off after I “went” to a going away party thrown by a member of myContinue reading “Diary5: MyFirstKiss”
When I visited my family for my birthday (September 7th), one friend I invited to chill at the river was Lynn. I have mentioned Lynn multiple times in my posts detailing my teenage Diary entries (My2ndDiaryPart2, My2ndDiaryPart3, SummerBeforeHighSchool, BoyfriendFantasy, FreshMeat, LesbiHonest, DancingQueen). We met in middle school and formed a group, which turned into aContinue reading “She’sBack”
I just received a Notice of Delinquent Registration/Final Notice in the mail from the DMV. They sent this notice to the address I lived at last year and it was redirected to my current address. I submitted an official change of address with the postal office around January of this year. I didn’t know IContinue reading “TheDMVSucks”
I have no job since we are still in the midst of a national pandemic. The united states continues to disgust me at the amount of people that are against protocols like wearing masks for all of our safety. They fail to realize that they would get what they wanted (for things to go backContinue reading “MyTediousDay”
My current boyfriend Ryder bought me a new MacBook Pro for our 6 month anniversary which was about a week ago. He has gotten me the two most expensive gifts I have ever gotten (this laptop and a ninja motorcycle) since we’ve been together. These were not gifts that I explicitly asked for, which speaksContinue reading “Nobody’sPerfect”
Disclaimer: This post includes graphic (kind of awkward) descriptions of my first experiences with online porn. I had a personal computer in my room for the first time. I believe I only had it for a few months by the time I wrote the following: Continued from “November 30, 2007: Brad (at school) the guyContinue reading “Diary4Part4: DownTheRabbitHole”
“September 27, 2007: The health and P.E. test went ok. Today we had an African master class. It was a lot of rolling of the body and booty. I was so consumed today that I forgot I had rehearsal after school. I came an hour later. I’m gonna have to ask someone to teach me.”Continue reading “Diary4Part2: DancingQueen”
My boyfriend just bought me a weighted stuffed animal to help with my anxiety. I sometimes feel fearful, restless, worried, hopeless, and/or sad. Throughout my life, I have experienced a roller coaster of good times and bad times. It’s great when the good times last for a while. Last year I was laid off fromContinue reading “AnxiousWolf”
“On Halloween I went trick or treating with Lynn, Lexus, Silver, and Cam. Also, Lexus’s boyfriend Dre and Dre’s sister were there. Lynn’s new boyfriend David came as well. He drums, plays guitar, and piano. According to Lynn he’s good with his hands, on instruments and her body. It was hard to hang out with her because they were attached the whole time.
When I was four years old, I was visiting my aunt’s house in Oakland. I was sitting in front of the TV in the living room watching a movie. I started coughing and could not stop. I went to my aunt, and was given cough syrup. Unfortunately, instead of helping, the coughing got a lot worse and I started having trouble breathing.
In this diary, I am entering high school. My older sister was a sophomore there, but provided minimum guidance and social support. Luckily for me, I was in the school dance company. I was passionate and motivated to eventually become one of the top dancers. My only dance experience before high school was in churchContinue reading “Diary4: FreshMeat”
“July 22, 2007: Today we went to Marine World. I woke up sick. I’m freezing even though it’s warm. Then, I ended up burning up. I had such a bad headache, I couldn’t really ride rides. Me and Marlin kept looking at each other. He sat next to me when we were getting ready to go. You could have cut the tension with a butterknife. He sat next to me on the tram too. Score! I hope he didn’t catch me smiling.”
“July 2, 2007: On Sunday the Js were there. They were playing around and I think they were talking about me. Jo calls the oldest brothers Beaver and Leprechaun. They are so hot. I wanted to stare at them, but when I did, they kept looking at me. Jo said they’re mean. That did seem true, but when I first knew them, I thought they were so nice and sweet. What happened?
June 8, 2007: “This diary will describe my life in the summer of 2007 after I graduated from eighth grade on June 6th. I will be moving towards… High School! This is where new adventures of another summer unfolds and it’s my first summer as a teen! I am 13 years old and will remainContinue reading “Diary3Part1: SummerBeforeHighSchool”
I am a dreamer, literally. I consistently have vivid, lucid dreams that are related to what I am going through in reality. In the following dreams, taken from the diary of my summer break before high school when I was 13 years old, they were more of an escape and a manifestation of my innermostContinue reading “DreamsFromYear13”
For the past two weeks I have been roller skating on a bike path near my apartment. I have been skating off and on my whole life. At 7 I got my first pair of roller blades and protective gear. I remember skating up and down the red driveway of our little house in OaklandContinue reading “WhatAreTheOdds”
Most of my life, I wished I did not have a mother, or that I had a different one. I wanted someone whom I knew, could have a friendship with, and that would take care of my emotional needs. I wanted to trust her and to truly love her. I eventually accepted that I could not have the relationship with my mother that I wanted. I would keep her at a distance because that was safest for me.
When I left my parents home at 17 to attend college on the east coast, I was ill equipped to deal with conflict, bullying, friend drama, relationships, break ups, manipulation, sexual harassment/assault, and people who did not have my best interest in mind.
Normal teenage angst was magnified by anxiety and depression which I did not always write about since it was so hard to deal with.
April 9, 2007: “Today I had talent show practice after school. Me and Lynn are doing our lip-sync song for the talent show tomorrow at celebrate S. Middle School. Over 700 peeps will be there. Tickets are $.25 each.” This was an event thrown at our middle school where there were vendors and performances. ItContinue reading “My2ndDiary: Age13 – Part2”
A few years ago, I was in therapy seeking help after being in an abusive relationship. I discovered, from the insight of the therapist, after sharing my childhood experiences with her, that my tendency to over analyse people was a lingering self-developed survival tactic:
When the new school opened that Ann and Nicole attended with me, it was close enough for us to walk. We would trudge down the hill, turn left, and keep going until we hit the shiny gates. Before we set off, my mother would gather us near the front door and have us all prayContinue reading “NewSchool: 4thGrade”
When I was eight, my family moved from Oakland, CA to the suburbs of Sacramento, CA. It was a rough transition for me. My older sister and younger sister were enrolled at the same school, but they didn’t have any more spots for a third-grader. So, for the first time in my life, I wentContinue reading “M.T.Elementary”
My mother was a model volunteer at E.S. Elementary. She was at the school so often, that all of the faculty knew exactly who me and my sisters were. It was nice getting special attention, but there was a downside to that as well. Luckily, I was well behaved and very smart. But if IContinue reading “ElementaryInOakland:TheDarkSide”
One person who was a light in my life was a shy, but super sweet teenager named Lindy. She was 17 and I was 9. She and I connected at church and she looked out for me and made me feel special. Looking back we were probably pretty similar. I followed her around and enjoyedContinue reading “MyFriendLindy”
January 18, 2007: “Mrs. Seeker (the middle school dance teacher) said Mrs. Rogers, head of no limit rhythm (the middle school dance program) was looking at me and she thought I was a really good dancer. They’re going to recommend me for U.R. That’s S High’s dance group. We’ll do assemblies and a whole lotContinue reading “MyFirstDiary Part2”
Note: The quotes are passages directly from my diary. I corrected some grammar, but not all of it, wanting it to be representative of how my flow of thought translated to paper. The text without quotes are my own personal thoughts, explanations, realizations, additional memories etc. I have changed the names of everyone mentioned forContinue reading “MyFirstDiary: 8thGrade”
I went to E.S. Elementary school in Oakland from Kindergarten to the third grade. Before Kindergarten, my mother did school lessons with us at home. I wasn’t too excited about it, but she explained it was important that I went in there with some knowledge. My kindergarten teacher’s name was Ms. Bee. She was aContinue reading “ElementaryInOakland”
Despite my earlier complications being a part of the youth worship team, I decided I would give it another go in high school. I joined as a background singer, of course. I don’t think it was an option for the students to be the lead singer. There were several change of hands as to whoContinue reading “TheWorshipTeam”
We cycled through children’s pastors not too quickly but enough to notice. Children’s pastors resided over elementary aged children. Youth pastors were for middle school and high school. One children’s pastor was this young blonde woman named pastor Hailey who loved leading worship with a keyboard, that she wasn’t very good at playing. She wouldContinue reading “KidsChurch”
Something I looked forward to was church camp. When I was a child, we would all go to a Christian College complete with dorms for everyone to stay in. There was a counselor for every room of kids. The boys bunked in a different building if course. I remember being in a room with aboutContinue reading “KidsKamp”