What do you do when nothing can soothe you? When your heart is pounding and your mind can’t focus and you feel like you’ll be stuck in this bubble of negativity? Many times, I open my meditation app only to scroll through and close the app in frustration. It’s hard to sit still with onesContinue reading “Bath Stew”
Today is Easter Sunday. This means nothing to me as I do not follow any religion. It’s been a pretty boring day. I made a mental list of things I want to do to keep myself busy. I am finishing up digitizing all of my family videos. This project has taken me a few monthsContinue reading “The Waiting Game”
Tonight I went to the liquor store with my boyfriend. We haven’t really spoken in about three days. Last Tuesday we had a couples therapy session and it was not good. Not good at all. I was so angry and I lashed out a lot. Justifiably so, but it doesn’t make it any less harder.Continue reading “Liquor Store”
I haven’t had the motivation to write for months, in my journal or otherwise. When I’m feeling really down, writing starts to feel like a chore. This is what’s been happening for the past few months: I have barely gotten any work acting (surprise surprise). I now have a psychiatrist and have been on medicationContinue reading “My Mental Health and Medication”
I’m in bed right now barely able to do anything because I’m experiencing severe nausea. I even had to go and crouch in front of the toilet with my head hanging over, hoping that if something came up I wouldn’t get anything on my favorite Stranger Things sweater. I came back to my room andContinue reading “Living With My Ex”
I got an ancestry DNA kit from my boyfriend Ryder on my birthday. For the LONGEST time I have wanted to know where the hell I’m from. I admit, I do envy people who know their lineage and have their own culture, food, languages, music, etc. Black people are not from America so I’d reallyContinue reading “Ancestry”
For the majority of my life, I have not identified with or liked the name that my parents assigned me at birth. It is a religious name, and commonly a male name. The latter has been the most difficult as I am often misgendered at medical appointments and government agencies. I visited my parents forContinue reading “DeadName”
When I visited my family for my birthday (September 7th), one friend I invited to chill at the river was Lynn. I have mentioned Lynn multiple times in my posts detailing my teenage Diary entries (My2ndDiaryPart2, My2ndDiaryPart3, SummerBeforeHighSchool, BoyfriendFantasy, FreshMeat, LesbiHonest, DancingQueen). We met in middle school and formed a group, which turned into aContinue reading “She’sBack”
I just received a Notice of Delinquent Registration/Final Notice in the mail from the DMV. They sent this notice to the address I lived at last year and it was redirected to my current address. I submitted an official change of address with the postal office around January of this year. I didn’t know IContinue reading “TheDMVSucks”
I have no job since we are still in the midst of a national pandemic. The united states continues to disgust me at the amount of people that are against protocols like wearing masks for all of our safety. They fail to realize that they would get what they wanted (for things to go backContinue reading “MyTediousDay”
My current boyfriend Ryder bought me a new MacBook Pro for our 6 month anniversary which was about a week ago. He has gotten me the two most expensive gifts I have ever gotten (this laptop and a ninja motorcycle) since we’ve been together. These were not gifts that I explicitly asked for, which speaksContinue reading “Nobody’sPerfect”
When I was four years old, I was visiting my aunt’s house in Oakland. I was sitting in front of the TV in the living room watching a movie. I started coughing and could not stop. I went to my aunt, and was given cough syrup. Unfortunately, instead of helping, the coughing got a lot worse and I started having trouble breathing.
For the past two weeks I have been roller skating on a bike path near my apartment. I have been skating off and on my whole life. At 7 I got my first pair of roller blades and protective gear. I remember skating up and down the red driveway of our little house in OaklandContinue reading “WhatAreTheOdds”
Most of my life, I wished I did not have a mother, or that I had a different one. I wanted someone whom I knew, could have a friendship with, and that would take care of my emotional needs. I wanted to trust her and to truly love her. I eventually accepted that I could not have the relationship with my mother that I wanted. I would keep her at a distance because that was safest for me.
When I left my parents home at 17 to attend college on the east coast, I was ill equipped to deal with conflict, bullying, friend drama, relationships, break ups, manipulation, sexual harassment/assault, and people who did not have my best interest in mind.
Note: The quotes are passages directly from my diary. I corrected some grammar, but not all of it, wanting it to be representative of how my flow of thought translated to paper. The text without quotes are my own personal thoughts, explanations, realizations, additional memories etc. I have changed the names of everyone mentioned forContinue reading “MyFirstDiary: 8thGrade”
My reality often seeps into my dreams. Nightmares invoke very powerful emotion, mostly fear and anger. And good dreams are usually of the supernatural and magical type. I enjoy those. It’s uncommon for me to dream about people that I know except for my family or best friends. They are randomly inserted into plots evenContinue reading “Dreams”
Once we moved to Sacramento and joined our 99% white “church family”, to my surprise, there was no praise dance team. I brought it up of course, wanting to start a group, but the church leaders didn’t know what it was and weren’t inclined to start a program led by an eight year old. IContinue reading “WhiteChurch”
From a young age, I possessed what they call, natural rhythm. I could pick up beats in music and move in time with them. By the time I was five, I could memorize and execute short routines. Lucky for me, I had plenty of opportunity to dance. Some of my earliest memories of dance wasContinue reading “BabyWolfDancing”