Today I feel lonely. When Evan, my roommate leaves the house I feel as though I am left with nothing. Sometimes Aitch, Evan’s girlfriend and my other roommate, is there and we talk or watch TV and it feels nice to have that connection. I am struggling with how to spend my time. I bought two novels at Ralphs, of all places, and I am starting to consume a decent chunk out of the first one. It’s fun reading a physical book vs. ones I can read on my phone from the Wattpad app.
It’s hard to spend time alone because I usually feel compelled to hang out with by Evan and Aitch, but I think that some quiet time and reading time would be really good for me.
Since the breakup with my bf, which happened about a month ago, I have done my best to keep my mind busy. While I have had plenty of time to grieve and cry, I haven’t really rested or rejuvenated.
I’ve gone on a lot of dates to have something to do in the evenings. Sometimes it feels too overwhelming juggling my appointments or dealing with guys that are too eager to meet up too fast or too frequently. Overall, I have done well managing. I’ve only dealt with one sticky situation.
There was only one person that I saw myself maybe sticking with and getting to know better. He was attractive, passionate, and responsible. But then things took a turn and I ended things. We only knew each other for three weeks.
Tonight, Evan is going out to meet up with someone and I am in the living room alone. I have my ukulele with me and I’m chatting with a girl that lives in San Diego. I have been making an effort to make new friends, even if they are long distance.
Loneliness can feel like a sickness sometimes, it can hurt emotionally or even physically. The important thing is that it won’t last forever and there are things that we can do to alleviate it. I am choosing to take life one day at a time, taking care of myself and focusing on my primary goals.
At this point in time, I want to focus on my career as an actor, become more comfortable with making genuine friends, and also work on my PTSD symptoms. I just got a workbook on PTSD from Amazon. I have already begun the process of recognizing when I am reacting in survival mode, and now with the help of the book that I purchased, I can start working to change how I think and behave.
The past is bleak, but I truly believe my future will be a whole new world.