I haven’t had the motivation to write for months, in my journal or otherwise. When I’m feeling really down, writing starts to feel like a chore. This is what’s been happening for the past few months:
- I have barely gotten any work acting (surprise surprise).
- I now have a psychiatrist and have been on medication since January.
- I started couples therapy (that’s a whole can of worms I don’t wanna open).
- I started to hang out with friends only to cut myself off due to severe social anxiety.
- I started making Tik Tok videos as a way to express myself.
- I got some new makeup and watched YouTube tutorials which has led to a small confidence boost.
However, I still feel severely anxious most of the day everyday, and hopeless at times. I have adopted a plethora of coping mechanisms such as comfort objects like stuffed animals, learning and completing a Rubiks cube, putty to squeeze in my hands, a silicone lego I wear around my neck to chew on to relieve tension and focus, and watching tv and movies that help take my mind off of things.
The medication I started on was Zoloft, an SSRI, and we increased the dose twice. The side effects became more worrisome than my actual anxiety symptoms. There was debilitating nausea where I would literally double over and have to lie down for a few minutes to feel normal again. But the worst was the fidgeting and hand tremors. It’s ironic that a medication that treats anxiety produced more symptoms that mimic anxiety.
I have since switched to Effexor, an SNRI that balances serotonin and norepinephrine. It’s been about three weeks and I have noticed a slow increase in my energy and motivation. I’m not ripping and running and going to every audition that appeals to me, but I am now at least able to apply to some things without having a meltdown. I believe this subtle change has also allowed me to do things like make Tik Tok videos, and go on walks sometimes.
I also take sleeping pills because I am unable to sleep through the night peacefully.
My life is far from where I want it to be and every day is a struggle to be productive and positive, but I am still going to keep trying.