I’m in bed right now barely able to do anything because I’m experiencing severe nausea. I even had to go and crouch in front of the toilet with my head hanging over, hoping that if something came up I wouldn’t get anything on my favorite Stranger Things sweater. I came back to my room and laid down fully dressed with by black combat boots still on. I never wear shoes in bed. It just feels wrong, and dirty. I felt so terrible I couldn’t take them off just yet. I texted my ex/roommate Evan and asked him if he could transfer my clothes from the washer to the dryer and he did. 15-20 minutes later he walked into my room. I thought he was going to ask me how I was doing but the first thing he said was that he wrote a tweet that went viral. I was instantly annoyed. He then took time to explain the context of the tweet. I just looked at him and didn’t even pretend to be enthusiastic or particularly amused. He proceeded to hand me his phone so I could read it. I gave a weak chuckle and gave it back.
It’s so interesting how he wants me to be engaged and supportive of his jokes and social media successes, but barely glances up from his phone when I try to engage him in something meaningful about my life. These past few months have been hell for me. I’m dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD at a level that I never have before. It’s so bad that my therapist recommended I take medication. I saw a pcyshiatrist yesterday and was prescribed Zoloft. I took the first dose last night which was half a pill so that my body can get used to it. I believe the severe nausea was a side effect. I’m glad to only take half a pill for the first week because the side effects seem to be pretty noticeable. My body needs time to adjust.
I tried to engage Evan in a conversation about my mental health multiple times over the past few months because I have been more sulky, irritable, and keeping to myself. Whether or not he noticed a change in my behavior is beyond me because we were never actually able to have a conversation about it. I would tell him that lately I’ve been feeling really depressed or anxious and he would mutter one sentence while barely looking up from his phone. I can’t even really tell you what he said because it wasn’t particularly impactful. He wasn’t engaged with me as I tried to share that I was hurting.
Yesterday I announced that I was prescribed medication and he was not interested in what it was or why. Yes, I could have told him, but if there’s no interest at all why keep sharing? When I finally got my prescription filled, because it took the whole damn day due to the pharmacy being backed up, I took the information pamphlet that detailed how the medication helps and what it’s for and handed it to Evan telling him, this is the medication I’m taking. He flipped it around to a blank page jokingly. I turned it back around and he turned the page around again, changed the subject, put the pamphlet down, and walked off into the kitchen. I felt dismissed.
I’m done reaching out and trying to connect with him. I keep trying to engage him by asking him how he’s doing, how his day is, if he’s okay, and I get the bare minimum. Minimal eye contact if any, and short sentences. Why does this bother me? It bothers me because I’m increasingly feeling more and more alone. Evan and I used to have a very strong connection. We spent a lot of time together and talked a lot. I’m his ex though his preferred word for me is roommate. I do prefer the word roommate over ex-girlfriend. The relationship didn’t work out because my sexual interest dwindled. However, I did not anticipate that we would not be close anymore. I expected that we would at least engage as good friends. This isn’t that. I feel emotionally shut out, but he has no problem directing my attention to jokes he writes or blurts out, or his social media posts that are garnering attention. I don’t think that he is engaging in these behaviors to intentionally hurt me or shut me out, but it still bothers me.
I tried to think how I would act if the tables were turned to do a self-check and make sure I wasn’t being hypocritical. However, in the past when I was rejected by men I wanted to be in a relationship with (meaning they weren’t romantically or sexually interested or cut sex off completely), I still stayed friends with them, was supportive, and had a close relationship with them. Evan told me when we were together that he will always be there for me and support me even if things don’t work out. That is true, he has continued to help me and support me in monumental ways. If it wasn’t for him, I would be struggling to have a place to live. But I am still left trying to adapt to a completely different kind of relationship with him where I don’t receive as much emotional benefit or support or attention as I did before.
I do have other people I can talk to and I do have the support of my therapist as I work through lifelong issues. Maybe some day I will be able to share more of what those specific struggles are, but for right now, with the help of medication, I’m trying to find some relief from constantly being in a stage where I’m on edge, feeling down, fearful, anxious, and hopeless.