Diary5Part3: DancingQueen

“March 27, 2008: The past week has been mid-terms. In dance, we’re supposed to run rally choreography, but the freshmen aren’t getting along so well today. Mom sent Ms. Rogers an email. It’s ok. The experience only made me stronger. “

I downplayed my experiences with the other freshman. They were very disrespectful and made fun of me a lot. My feelings were constantly hurt by the way they treated me. It affected me so badly that my mother emailed my dance instructor.

“March 30, 2008: I spent the night over Jo’s house. Stephen wants me on the BSU dance team. I’m practicing in Uncle Henry’s classroom tomorrow.

Uncle Henry is Jo’s dad and he worked at the high school as a teacher as well as one of the football coaches. He was popular with the students and I was proud to be his fake niece. He let the Black Student Union dance team use his classroom for dance practice. I believe he was one of the BSU facilitators or admin.

“March 31, 2008: It’s after 11:00pm. I got hooked on the computer again talking to a boy who wanted me to call him. He’s 17! He thinks I am. I got so scared. I’m only 14. Well, I blocked him.”

I then wrote a prayer asking for forgiveness for lust and not honoring my parents. Bleh.

“April 16, 2008: Today in 4th period, Harry came and sat next to me. Also, today Kacey said I should wear a Marines sweater instead of Army. I just feel so happy when boys give me positive attention. I don’t feel as nervous as I used to. Also, Harry liked how I was “shaking it” at the rally on Friday. All he thinks about is sex. You can tell by the way he talks. After class when I was walking, he gave me a high five. I have a lot of homework… I’m pretending I’m a college student with my own house. It’s fun actually.”

There I go pretending again to make myself feel better about homework and my living situation.

“I looked so ugly during school with my ugly twisted hair, and too big clothes. Tomorrow, I’m gonna look like I care. Then maybe Baker will like how I look. So today Bryan had auditions for the breakdance section of the routine. I made it, but I still have to practice.”

Baker was an upperclassman and was one of the few males in my Advanced Theatre class. He was cocky, but had a friendly personality. He was also, in my teenage opinion, built like a man. Basically, he was tall and not scrawny.

“April 23, 2008: I didn’t go to school today. I was sore and coughing too much this morning. I barely even slept cuz I can’t breathe.  I’m starting my homework now. My hand is shaking cuz I’m so drugged up on my inhaler and my machine. I’m getting by though. While doing homework I was looking for ballet schools for ballet. Me and mom went to the one Kate goes to.”

“April 28, 2008: I’m joining the praise and worship team. Not because of Milo but because I’ve just been thinking about it and I think it’s a good way for me to grow and serve god.”

Yeah, okay. I wanted to join the adult worship team, which Milo played guitar in. I probably did want to join to be closer to him and convinced myself otherwise.

“In dance, well a lot’s going on. I guess no solos this week cuz of dance fest and student works. I’m trying to explain the arrangements to mother, but when it comes to U.R., it seems like she only hears half of what I say and then gets mad with me.”

My mother required that I tell her about all of my plans, school requirements, etc. Because I had no independence, I relied on her for a lot of things to get done. The problem with this is that she would not write anything down. I was a very busy person. I had hours of homework every night, regular after school dance rehearsals, karate, church worship team rehearsals, and church youth group. When the time came for me to go to a rehearsal, event, activity, etc., there was a large chance that my mother would “forget” and/or get upset that her assistance was needed. Mother was our only option for transportation. We were forbidden from riding in a car with another teen, license or not, and we could not ride with adults she did not personally know. While I understand the safety implications, there was no leniency. Her negative attitude was very confusing and annoying, considering she acted like she needed to be a stay at home mom to provide for our every need, lest we all run around like chickens with our heads cut off and burn the house down.

“May 1, 2008: Today was my first praise and worship practice for Big Church! I stood next to Melody and sang without the microphone. I think god didn’t want Milo there for a reason, but that’s not why I was joining anyways. Mom had the nerve to ask me if that was why. She asked every question I was hoping no one would ask. “

Busted.

“May 3, 2008: Yesterday was Dance Fest. Baker made fun of my costume. I hit him on the head with the program. “

“May 8, 2008: On Tuesday, showcase was really successful. I was in the front a good amount. Baker said hi to me after, and guys talking in a circle were staring and pointing at me! Yesterday Adam and Christy did their solos. I didn’t know how emotional they could get. Aaron had everyone crying.”

Towards the end of the year in the U.R. dance company, our final project was to perform a solo in front of the entire class. However, it was supposed to be personal and tell a story. We were to perform the one minute solo, explain it’s meaning to the class, and then perform it again.

“May 10, 2008: I came back from the BSU competition a few hours ago. The BSU performed all the dances from this year. I was in three. there was also singing, non-competitive dancing (U.R.) and a live expression category. Apparently this was a big deal. Our school got the big fat trophy for the dance competition cuz none of the other schools showed up for that part. There was a turf battle too. Oh my gosh those boys had so much talent. My boo that performed in the talent show battled as a part of the turf and surfs. Cool name huh? He’s so fine. Light skinned, light eyes, skinny, adorable face, always smiling, and he’s so amazing and flowy when he turns. I like that guy now. It really turned out phenomenal and even though everyone there was black, it wasn’t all crazy.”

Wow. That last statement tells you about my expectations for the young black community if I was impressed that a large gathering of young African-Americans didn’t end in a fight. However, there was a decent amount of fights that occurred on campus. Perhaps I thought there was more chance of a fight with such a sizable group of people. My overall takeaway was that it was a magical event though that celebrated the talent of so many young dancers, like myself.

“May 11, 2008: After church: The plus side is that I looked so cute today with heels and brown eye liner. People complimented me left and right, well the women anyway. Milo and Boston were low in spirit. Well, Milo did look at me. Marlin Dorcia, my future husband was there too. This is where it all goes downhill. We were about to leave when Marlin says hi to me and Nicole comes over. I get super excited. He looked at Nicole and told her he was going to S. High. She said something and he asked if she played a sport. Now all this time I’m still standing there and they continue talking like I don’t go to S. High. I really thought I looked pretty today. I crossed my arms because every time it’s me and Nicole, the guy only talks to her. I was a lot taller than her today because of my heels. I wanted to leave and was in a bad mood. Well, at least he’ll see me dancing next year and I’ll be wearing makeup. I’ll be at praise and worship practice this Thursday with Milo so ha!”

“May 17, 2008: Good Bye rally was yesterday. All went well. Even the BSU performance went fine. After the performance, all the freshman got to move to the Sophomore side. We sat at the top! All of the rallies that whole year I sat at the bottom on the Freshman side. It was so different. Then they did a slideshow and I was in two pictures! I went home after the rally. I had no friends to hang out with after. “

Later at a church event: “Now, I’m sure that I love Milo. I love everything about him. We were all clapping beats and he was rapping his hand on his guitar and I looked at his hand and thought ‘I love his hands’. That’s when I knew. I like his face, that beautiful face, his piercing blue eyes, the long blonde hair, his cute white shirts, his baggy-ish jeans and his huge feet. He wears either clunky black shoes or those adorable beat up converse. I love how he walks and want to know so badly what he looks like when his shirt is off. He plays football, put 2 and 2 together. He has to have a hot bod. I would hate seeing him with another girl.”

“Dad is yelling at Ann. He just yelled at Sasha. I’m just shut in my room avoiding the line of fire. This is my safe haven. Me, god, this diary, and my world of dreams. This room is so me and everything I stand for. My life is in here. It’s the only place I feel safe.”

“May 30, 2008: Tyrone was so flirting with me in class today. Benny asked me to help him find Ms. Rogers. I did. He might like me too. I know Creed does. He keeps talking to me about homework and stuff.”

I guess I was feeling confident and wanted that day. Newsflash: Creed did not like me. He was in a ton of my honors classes and was an over-achiever. In order to not take the Spanish final, we had to score a 98% or higher on the test before. Creed got 98% and I got 96%. I was pissed, and he laughed at me and gloated. I wasn’t a fan of him after that.

“June 2, 2008: I did my U.R. solo the first time with so much energy and people reacted and sang with the songs. I was so scared. People were like ‘you’re in karate?’ No one knew. When I explained everything, I cried when I talked about my loner life in middle school. People were like ‘awwwww’. Mrs. Goody said I have beautiful lines and a good dancer body. She said I’m very mature for my age too. I got a lot of comments too. Kay was smiling and making goofy faces at me. Christy actually commented! I hope it ends up on YouTube. That would be cool. People said they think I’m good at hip hop and my full-out is really good and I always dance full-out. Also that my music choice and choreography was good. “

I took karate for five years from age 8 to 13. I had class about twice a week. I wanted to quit so that I could be in more dance routines, but I was not allowed until I achieved my black belt. This solo experience was monumental for me as I always felt like an outsider amongst the company of 49 other students. I feel like my peers got to see another side of me and learn more about me. I was touched by their positive feedback. I spend a lot of time putting together the music and choreography to communicate who I really was.

“June 3, 2008: Today after school was the first day with the new U.R. company members. Everything was ok actually. Stephen acted like he was just too kool though. Now U.R. will be able to participate in theater next year so me and Lynn are excited.

“June 6, 2008: Just came from praise and worship not 2 long ago. Mom made me mop so I talked to Lynn on Gaia while the floor dried. She wants me to come swim when the band comes. She said we should make out in the water. I just don’t want her telling everyone I’m bisexual just because she came out of the closet. Sounds fun though. I’m glad we have gaia cuz it’s our way to connect since we don’t have phones.”

gaiaonline.com was this social website where you could created an avatar , build a house, chat on forums and chat rooms and play games.

Later after a wedding for a couple at our church: “I’m back from the wedding and reception now. I wore the red dress Laney Luis gave me. Mom attempted to straighten my hair and it turned out poofy cuz she tried to curl it too. I felt so ugly at the wedding and reception. I stayed with mom and dad the whole night. The other teens sat in a circle at a table. I was too scared to go join even though I told my mom I wasn’t.”

This was the wedding of the couple I mentioned in my post Kids Church. He was a children’s paster and first developed feelings for his wife while she was as teenager volunteering under him in children’s church. He was in his early to mid twenties during that time.

“June 11, 2008: I sucked all the memories and feelings out of my old walls and transferred them to my new room. It’s officially mine. “

I moved from my room upstairs to the only bedroom downstairs. It was previously used as a guest room. I was so happy to be physically farther from my parents and sisters. Upstairs, I had to share one bathroom with my three other sisters. Downstairs, I had my own bathroom. Plus, I had easier access to the kitchen.

End of Diary 5 😃

Published by TheLavenderWolf

I am a 27-year-old trudging through the perilous journey of healing myself from traumas from childhood to adulthood. This is the time of my resurgence.

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