She’sBack

When I visited my family for my birthday (September 7th), one friend I invited to chill at the river was Lynn. I have mentioned Lynn multiple times in my posts detailing my teenage Diary entries (My2ndDiaryPart2, My2ndDiaryPart3, SummerBeforeHighSchool, BoyfriendFantasy, FreshMeat, LesbiHonest, DancingQueen). We met in middle school and formed a group, which turned into a duo with just Lynn and I, for a lip sync competition. It was a massive bonding experience. We hung out intermittently after that and eventually became best friends. She was also the first person I had a sensual/sexual experience with when we were 14. I used to be in love with her, I think I slowly realized this over the span of our high school career. It was especially apparent when one of our classmates pointed out to me that I didn’t need to do everything she told me. I didn’t realize I was being her little follower and hanging on her every word. That was a huge wakeup call. Our friendship was at its height in our junior and senior year of high school when we were both in our high schools’ advanced theatre program.

I went off to college and our friendship slowly started to decline. I can’t quite remember when. There were times when we would video chat and hang out when I came back home for summer break and such. I had such a tough time in college and was silently suffering the whole time and I don’t think she ever really knew that. I tried to talk about it a little but for some reason, I don’t think it was very helpful. The details of how my friendship with Lynn began to decline escape me, but over time we grew more distant.

This year, this shitty-ass weird-ass year, is the year we reunited. About a month before my birthday, Lynn contacted me on Instagram saying she missed me and it looked like I was super happy (according to my social media). She wanted me to hit her up any time I wanted to talk, game, or hang out on Twitch. I thought this was pretty random because I’ve been around, you know, forever, and she’s just now reaching out years later. I thought that perhaps it had to do with the fact that she is starting her Twitch stream back up. Regardless, I decided to invite her to hang out while I was in Sacramento visiting my family during Labor Day weekend for my birthday which happened to fall right on Labor Day this year. She came to the river and brought her husband and first born baby she had this year.

Before she arrived there I was anxious for several reasons. The first reason I felt uneasy, and I’ll sum it up, is that our mutual best friend Dre started sleeping with my teenage younger sister when I was at college across the country. My sister shamefully admitted it to me, she and my friend Dre apologized when they saw how hurt and blindsided I was, and then they kept sleeping together behind my back. Their co-dependent booty call turned into a relationship for several years I think. When they broke up, he was slandering her and our family online and I went to bat with him. When I tried to express to Lynn what happened and how terrible it all made me feel, she seemed to be defending Dre and didn’t seem to understand nor support me.

The second incident was when we had a really stupid argument on Twitter which was sparked by a tweet I posted about the famous Gillette commercial which had an interesting take on toxic masculinity. We ended up arguing because Lynn thought that men had more reproductive rights than women and I disagreed. Her main argument was the judicial system sides with women over men in custody battles. I agree with that and I don’t think it’s right to make a custody decision solely based on gender. But I don’t think that proves or even supports the argument that men have more REPRODUCTIVE rights. Men have been making laws and social rules to regulate women’s body’s for years. Any example I gave her that the law is skewed in favor of men (such as Brock Turner who was convicted of three charges of felony sexual assault but was only sentenced to six months in jail and released after three), she said it was anecdotal and was not viable information for my argument. She also made a point, and I’m paraphrasing, that because I had gone to college straight out of high school I had no real world experience and didn’t really know how the world works. I felt insulted and confused. She seemed bitter and judgmental. I wondered how long she had been thinking this about me, and also wondered if it had more to do with how she felt about herself than me. I mean, ever since I went to college, we weren’t exactly peanut butter and jelly anymore. How could she possible know what I knew and didn’t know?

When I went to college, that protective bubble that I had surrounding me my entire life (due to strict and overbearing parents) was popped, quite violently I might add. I was forced to learn a plethora of real life lessons, either from trial and error, or from the beasts they call other human beings. Also, going to college does not shield one from current events, news, and social justice issues.

I was nervous to reconnect with her because that twitter argument had left a sour taste in my mouth. We did make up (I decided to apologize and try and smooth things over and she followed suit). However, I didn’t feel like I could trust her after that.

When we got to the river, it was a really nice visit. We caught up and talked about what’s changed in our lives. It was a short visit, because they had to get the baby back home, but we made tentative plans to hang out again when I was back in the area. I received a heartfelt birthday card and also a text where she mentioned that I seemed “less goofy” and “so grown” commenting that it was “so weird lol”. Naturally, I felt more reserved in the presence of someone I don’t spend time with on a regular basis. Also, it’s been about eight years since I’ve seen her, so I would expect that we would both be different.

I’m happy that I had the chance to reconnect, I think it was a great experience and it is nice to see old friends and know that they’ve been doing well. I have other friends who’s lives have slowly crashed and burned. Whether Lynn and I will ever be close again, I don’t know. My instincts are telling me to be cautious and take my time. I do have a history of falling into friendships too hard, with too high of expectations.

Published by TheLavenderWolf

I am a 27-year-old trudging through the perilous journey of healing myself from traumas from childhood to adulthood. This is the time of my resurgence.

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