Diary4Part4: DownTheRabbitHole

Disclaimer: This post includes graphic (kind of awkward) descriptions of my first experiences with online porn. I had a personal computer in my room for the first time. I believe I only had it for a few months by the time I wrote the following:

Continued from “November 30, 2007: Brad (at school) the guy who always tries to hug me and calls me “baby girl” asked me to go to the movies with him and his homies tomorrow. I said ‘No because I’m not old enough. It’s what my parents said.’ That’s the first time I’ve ever been asked out and it had to be an ugly, non-bright guy that won’t leave me alone or even remember my name.”

I subscribed to boobs.com to send me stuff on my email even though I’m not allowed to have an email. I can’t wait to check it tomorrow. Too bad the good videos cost money. I saw some sample videos of girls having sex with guys and the guys pumping their penises into the girls’ vagina. Or the guy laying down and the girl moving up and down with the guy’s penis in her vagina. I also saw one of these two girls sucking a guy’s penis. His testicles were like big squishy sacs. I didn’t know how huge they were. I mostly like to see girls having sex because guys are boring and use girls as toys. The girls bring the fierceness. I can’t watch the uncensored videos without paying. On YouTube, the videos always stop when someone’s exposing someone’s breast or taking off someone’s thong.

December  1, 2007: This morning boobs.com sent me an email about drunk sluts. I deleted it because I would have to pay. I was watching clips of girls with big boobs straddling guys and humping them up and down on the guy’s penises really fast making their tits shake. Guys are okay that girls get into it more. Some of the guys would shove their penises in so hard it would make the girls jolt. In 1 clip, a girl was rubbing oil all over a girls tits and body. Another girl was sucking another girls pussy. I watched a video on YouTube about a girl who was talking to her stepmother about her preference for girls and how she feels like no one loves her. Then she kissed her stepmother and they started making out. The girl straddles her stepmom and starts pushing her pelvis in and out. Then she whines “Take me to the bed please? I won’t tell nobody.” So her mom carries her to the bed, lays on top of her, and says “I’m going to take care of you today.” She rubs her breasts up and down on her step-daughter’s body.  “I’ve never felt such big breasts before” the daughter says. They keep kissing and the stepmom rubs the daughters breasts and kisses them. I guess that’s her way of helping her stepdaughter. I like watching girls in thongs kissing on top of each other, rubbing each other, and humping. They just always cut the video when they start to strip. That gets on my nerves. All those you have to pay for on another site.

December 5, 2007: I have 8 friends on YouTube and one’s a dude who loves lesbian girls. I was watching a girl on webcam.com. She showed off her ass for me and blew me a kiss. She told me she’d take off her clothes for me but then the computer started having technical difficulties and I couldn’t see anything so I had to exit out. Then I had to go to S. High. U.R. was performing during 1/2 time at the girls basketball game.

December 14, 2007: Today was the multicultural assembly. We did the ‘I Have a Dream’ dance. The other clubs that performed were: Japan, Tinikling, Tahitian, Punjabi, Black Student Union, warrior people, La Raza Latina, fan dancers, ribbon people, and us! We practiced yesterday after school, then we performed it twice this morning and got a lot of compliments. Everyone was complimenting Kathy though because of the Tahitian dance. It’s the girls who shake their hips basically, in the tube shirts with skirts with big wreath looking belts.

I didn’t remember all the names of the different ethnic clubs so I made some up based on their dance performance. For example “warrior people” were students performing Haka, a ceremonial dance or challenge in Māori culture in New Zealand.

Tonight, Roberto threw a party for Anthony who was moving to Texas. It was about 7 minutes away. Me, mom, and Shelly’s mom talked about it and she was supposed to go with me. She called and said it was too late. I talked mom and dad into letting me go. I could only go because it was a goodbye party. We got there and I saw other company members outside. We walk up to the door and Roberto opens it and steps to the side. He was a little surprised to see my mom. We walk in and everyone goes quiet and starts looking nervous. Adam says “Hi Ms.!” and gives her a hug. It’s almost dead silent. Mom asked Adam where the parents were. He kind of froze. Roberto’s older sister came and mom asked where the parents were. She said she was in charge so mom said “OK lets go.” I walked towards the door with my head down. I was embarrassed. I heard someone give a sympathetic “awww”. I noticed that Macy was kind of hiding when she saw my mom. Everyone looked so nervous. I feel… Actually I don’t know how I feel. I can’t cry, I can’t get mad. I’ve never gone through this sort of thing before. Everyone had that “uh-oh busted” look on their faces. I don’t know what’s gonna happen on Monday. No one will probably say anything. So much for parties. I think mom was relieved. She seemed mad I was going from the start.”

Great way to end a diary huh. I haven’t even eaten, I’ll just go down to movie night, drink something, and try to forget it. I just feel shame. I keep thinking about the way everyone looked when we walked in. God knows I probably looked embarrassed. I don’t know what to do. I have no clue what’s going to happen now.

End of diary 4.

Published by TheLavenderWolf

I am a 27-year-old trudging through the perilous journey of healing myself from traumas from childhood to adulthood. This is the time of my resurgence.

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