Diary4Part2: DancingQueen

“September 27, 2007: The health and P.E. test went ok. Today we had an African master class. It was a lot of rolling of the body and booty. I was so consumed today that I forgot I had rehearsal after school. I came an hour later. I’m gonna have to ask someone to teach me.”

“September 28, 2007: I didn’t go to the audition for a really hard piece after school today. I went to the track meeting but it clashes with my dance schedule. Me and Nicole babysat Marlin Dorcia’s baby sister.”

“September 29, 2007: Can’t stop thinking about Marlin Dorcia. He’s on the varsity football team at a different school. Me and Nicole just watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen with Lindsay Lohan. It was pretty cool. I don’t know why mom didn’t let us watch it before. I mean, there was NOTHING wrong. Church is tomorrow. I feel a little embarrassed to go the youth service because Mo, Jo, and I were really loud last time. I hope no one remembers. I need to act more mature next time. I hope I get there early so I can just sit down and be invisible. Now I’ll read my Stephen King book from the school library, The Dead Zone.”

“October 1, 2007: We have auditions after school. Josie, a local choreographer, did a fun piece from Hairspray. I made it! Shelly didn’t. I would’ve been writing earlier but I got distracted on the computer. Bryan was flexing his booty during a stretch and he wanted me to look! He sat by me on the floor too! We’re starting to interact more.”

October 6, 2007: It seems as if for the past three or four days I’ve been hooked on porn and lesbians making out on the internet. First it was watching it on YouTube. Then, it was watching 20-year-old women in thongs on live Webcams. It’s getting old though. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have to go straighten up the stupid kitchen. Mom is tripping over a few dishes. It’s not my kitchen. Not my responsibility.

“October 8, 2007: 6:55PM: Today at Josie’s rehearsal, the first group did their routine to ‘The New Girl in Town’. Then she taught us a new part and I was at the point of the triangle! When she was putting us into formation she looked down the line and pointed at me and said ‘You!’ and lead me to my spot right at the front! I think it’s because at tryouts everyone was cheering for me and I saw her looking at me pretty much the whole time I was auditioning. She actually noticed me and remembered me and picked me!”

“At the football game, I hung out with Ash and her friend Britney. I talked to Jose. Denise introduced me to her freshman boyfriend. I still think it’s a little creepy.”

I believe Denise was a senior, so I thought she was taking advantage of much younger boy just so she could have a boyfriend. Though Denise was older than me, I had no respect for her. She was immature, obnoxious, and a little bit off.

“October 9, 207: Today we did Pilates where we worked on our abs and inner core. It was hard but I really want to get strong. Me and mom are going shopping for my rally outfit. I need to study for my biology midterm. I saw Dave again today. He’s short and not really matured yet. He still has a baby face. The first time I saw him I said ‘Hi’ and he looked a little shy but said ‘Hi’ too. Today he was going to the lunch line and I was coming out of the locker room. I said ‘Hi Dave’ and waved. He smiled walking backwards and waved. He was waving for kind of a long time. A little longer than a normal wave. The way he looked at me was like he was happy to see me, and like he was looking at how much I changed, and he was remembering the sixth grade, all at once. Dave looks as though he hasn’t started puberty yet.”

Dave was my crush in the sixth grade. It was a mutual crush and we both spent way too much time staring at each other in class. I was so enamored. He was Russian, bilingual, and had bright blonde hair and clear blue eyes. My infatuation ended one day as our class sat eating lunch at our table in the cafeteria. When of our classmates asked him if he liked me, he loudly proclaimed that he didn’t because I was ugly. The other kids gasped, laughed, and buzzed with comments. I felt humiliated, hurt, and ugly. I guess in high school, I was happy to see him because of the familiarity and enough time had gone by for me to not be affected anymore. That, and he still looked like a small child. Ha!

“October 10, 2007: Tryouts were over at 7:30PM. They’ll post it tomorrow. Auditions for the Blades company was after that audition but I had to do homework and I don’t think I’m good enough, or Blades material yet. Most of the company is alumni. All of the girls are like Macey. They’re really good dancers, have cell phones, have boyfriends, wear great clothes, have a sassy edge, are mature, and are in control of their own lives. No freshmen are trying out. Okay I have to do my honors Biology project. Bye!”

I romanticized the older girls in my dance company. To me, they were everything I wanted to be. They were confident, more independent than I was, pretty, and more experienced dancers. My admiration of the older students served as fuel for self-motivation. I had “role models” to aspire to be like, and my goals of becoming a better dancer, better looking, and more confident, didn’t seem completely out of reach anymore.

“October 12, 2007: Today’s the rally! I’m nervous and excited but if I don’t think about it, I’m fine. 8:00PM: The rally was hecca tight! All the freshmen were there, kind of. The people I saw in the bleachers were Lynn, Harry, Zeek, Becky, and Manny. I hope they thought it was cool. We sat down on the floor in front of our perspective classes. I was a little nervous. We watched the nominees for homecoming royalty introduced through skits. When we danced, I didn’t have a big adrenaline rush like everyone said I would. I did pretty good. My outfit didn’t mess up. On the spin, the button on my leg didn’t cut me again. Lynn said I did good. I liked the way she and Harry were checking out my dance moves, especially Harry. He looked like he was watching closely and enjoying it. I didn’t have my glasses on so it was a little blurry. Harry is Mexican, short, muscular, cute, sexy, flirty, and the fastest runner on the track team. He’s a little annoying, but I like his facial expressions and body language. I wonder if other people are gonna compliment me or say something mean on Monday. Oh, and today I wore yellow eyeshadow that Alisa Mariposa put on me. I looked different, but Shelly said I looked pretty. Mom didn’t see it. I don’t know what she would have said. There’s a new episode of Hannah Montana next Friday!”

“October 13, 2007: We’re going to our cousin’s birthday party today. Nicole said the party is at Chuck E. Cheese. What am I supposed to do?

“I took a picture with Chuck E., he was short.”

“October 16, 2007: Today Caleb, the hottie professional dancer who is only 14 taught us a dance to Kiss Kiss by Chris Brown. It’s really cool and different. We’ll be performing it for post rally. I hope I’m in the front!”

I don’t remember what post rally was.

Hawk Nelson Band

“October 21, 2007: Revolve Tour was like a concert with cool lights. The Christian rapper KJ52 was there and other peeps like the band Hawk Nelson who appeared in the movie Yours Mine and Ours. They sang the song they performed in the movie and more! Topics the speakers talked about were: The Truth About Guys, God = Daddy not Earthly Daddy, Fitting In, Believing/Faith, and Confidence. Hawk Nelson had a concert with 4 or 5 songs. We came back at about 5PM on Saturday and I got ready for homecoming.”

The Revolve Tour “is a division of Women of Faith, which is a faith-based organization that teaches women from all walks of life to become spiritually mature by having a relationship with Jesus Christ and by knowing God’s love and grace. The Revolve Tour focuses specifically on teens.” Boys were not permitted to attend. Classic religious gender separation right? As a teen, this event seemed special. It felt exclusive, like something the boys were missing out on. The point of this tour was to encourage confidence, and a strong relationship with the lord. There were music artists, and speakers, some of which were very well known, like Carrie Underwood. There were also items available for purchase like t-shirts, CDs, and books from the speakers. I wanted a Hawk Nelson t-shirt but didn’t have $25. Super fun fact (for me at least): this year (2020), the lead singer of Hawk Nelson renounced his faith.

Now, in regards to homecoming…

“My outfit was a black dress with gold sequins and black straps. It came about one inch above my knees. I wore black shoes with fat black heels and my hair was twisted in a half up half down style. I wore lip gloss too. My accessories were a gold bracelet, gold spiral earrings, and a gold necklace. I stood in line for an hour and fifteen minutes in the freezing cold with Nicole and her friends. All of us girls danced in a tight circle with our arms around each other. We danced and jumped. We called it our “freak circle”. We would hold onto Kyle and dance in front of him or all of us girls would crowd around him and dance. When we lost him, these other guys were holding onto Kaley and Tally. A guy was holding Kaley and freaking with her. Then Tally freaked on Haley and I freaked on Aly. We were in a line. I can’t wait until the next dance. I really want to have a guy to dance with so we won’t all have to try and dance with Kyle.

At our school, and possibly others, the term “freaking” was used by students and staff to describe students grinding on each other. Since freaking was not allowed, students tried to do it in a subtle way. However, there were a few bold ones who made such a spectacle, that other students crowded around them and cheered, which then prompted staff to make a beeline for the middle of the crowd and take away the IDs of the freakers. The way it worked was, if you were caught freaking, you would get a warning, then the next time, your student ID was taken away. If you were caught without an ID, the situation escalated. I believe people got kicked out at that point.  

End of Part 2. Part 3 is already posted so the next new post from this diary will be part 4.

Published by TheLavenderWolf

I am a 27-year-old trudging through the perilous journey of healing myself from traumas from childhood to adulthood. This is the time of my resurgence.

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