Diary3Part1: SummerBeforeHighSchool

June 8, 2007: “This diary will describe my life in the summer of 2007 after I graduated from eighth grade on June 6th. I will be moving towards… High School! This is where new adventures of another summer unfolds and it’s my first summer as a teen! I am 13 years old and will remain until September 7th. Well, here’s my new summer. Life as a teen…”

Note: My journal entries will now be italicized. I think it will visually look better and be easier to distinguish between journal entries and my current writing.

June 9, 2007: “6:15AM We are in the car preparing to go to Delano. Dad’s hustling around getting last minute stuff. His coffee just spilled and he’s stomping on the stain on the carpet with a towel. Dad stopped for the mail. Mom said this is all god testing her to see if she can control her anger and patience. Nicole is trying to attack Eeyore.”

On my Disneyland trip in the eighth grade I bought an Eeyore stuffed animal. It was very dear to me. My older sister and I were on our way to our grandparents house on our father’s side. I don’t remember why it was just her and I going on this week long “vacation”.

“Me and Eeyore are in the guestroom bed. Mom and dad left. I almost cried. I really want to go home. This doesn’t usually happen when I have to go away. Maybe I could call them and ask if I could come home earlier. I guess it’s weird without the whole family. I just don’t feel comfortable, especially about going to church tomorrow. I wouldn’t really have anyone to stick to. Nicole is a bit independent and doesn’t like me around her much. I would really feel out of place. If they ask us to sing, I know it would be nice to do, but I just feel so scared.”

June 10, 2007: “Today was church. It was so long. We got there at 11AM and ended up leaving at 6:30PM. We had to stay for two services. At least we ate something in between. We were forced to march down the aisle and join the choir. It was long, boring, and cold. Everyone there was pretty much a cousin, aunt, or uncle.”

My grandfather was the pastor of the church, go figure.

“I want to go home, and I wish Ann were here instead of Nicole. She’s more fun and understanding. Nicole is about herself and she doesn’t answer questions with a straight answer. She always has to be smart about it. This is the worst vacation ever.”

The rest of my time there I spent watching movies, sometimes with my grandparents or my sister, but mostly on my own. I narrated the movies in my journal and made personal notes in the margins such as the real names of the actors I liked or the Whale Protection phone number after watching Free Willy. Watching movies was a fun coping mechanism of escapism and became a habit. It is still very helpful.

June 17, 2007: “I am home! Glorious home! Sasha is hanging out in my room. We’re listening to the Cheetah Girls. Here are my goals: stop being shy, keep up hygiene, always smell good, start carrying a mirror, lipgloss is important always wear it, rid my room of childish things, act more like I’m in high school, get my love’s attention, get J #2’s attention, be nice to everyone even if they’re enemies.”

Sasha is my youngest sister who was about 8 at the time. J #2 is a boy my age that went to my church. He had two other brothers and all of their names started with J. I may have mentioned them in earlier posts but I forgot what I renamed them to be! The numbers correspond with their birth order. Carry on.

June 19, 2007: “Good morning! Nothing special happening, we just have to get up at 9AM. Mom thinks that’s the appropriate time.”

Yes, even during the summer, my mother would wake me up early, even if there was nothing I had to do. I started to assume she didn’t want me to relax and enjoy myself. I would endure an entire school year working my ass off, only to have a summer break where I wasn’t allowed to sleep in. If I took a nap during the day my mother would say to me “oh that must be nice” as if she did not have the option to do the same. It was summer and she was a stay at home mom. This irked me to no end and it made no sense. Also, she was acting like taking a nap was SUCH a luxury. It’s normal and part of healthy human functioning. The side effect of her commentary made me feel uncomfortable about resting. Not so fun fact: even to this day, if I tell my mom I took a nap, she still says “oh that must be nice” as if she still doesn’t have the ability or the time to do this herself.

9PM: “I was the only freshman at the welcome freshman party. Everyone from the high school group was there. We met at the teen center, drove to the park, and played ultimate frisbee. I made a few catches.”

“Lynn is coming over to practice for the lip-sync performance this Friday at Raging Waters. It will be so exciting, but we have to make it perfect. I don’t think I’ll be getting wet though, I want my hair to last. I hope it will last through the youth camp in July, but who knows? Mom said me and my sisters sound like white girls. I don’t try to. I only hang with white people because the black people do things I can’t. I can’t dress like them or act like them because they curse and get into trouble. They party too, some of them. They have boyfriends and girlfriends and the guys are touchy. See? I can’t even hang. Mom won’t even let me tie my shirt up in the back. She’s overprotective. She needs an upgrade. I can’t wait until Lynn comes. Maybe I will go to the mall next week!”

Part of the deal with being the middle school’s lip-sync winners was that we got to perform our song during the summer at a water park. I didn’t want to get my hair wet because it was still straight from graduation and as soon as water got on it, it would get curly again. I did not really hang out with African-American kids because they were not in most of my classes. A lot of the African American kids hung out together and I was intimidated because of how loud and outgoing they were. The boys did scare me because they were very bold, flirty, and handsy and the girls did dress in ways that I was not allowed to dress. They looked like teenagers while I looked like a child. I always felt awkward socializing with the group. Lynn is half black, half white and I had other friends of color, but I did not feel a part of the collective group of black students.

June 21, 2007: Well, when Lynn came, we talked to her boyfriend Jose. She told him I still liked him! Well I do, but she didn’t have to say that. At least I won’t see him anytime soon.

I had a small crush on Jose as he was in one of my classes and I thought he was funny. He ended up taking an interest in Lynn. My feelings were hurt for short period of time but then accepted it and moved on. I was already used to not getting what I wanted.

June 22, 2007: “Safe Night at Raging Waters was awesome! Our performance was awesome! There were tons of guys watching. The waterpark was huge but Lynn and I rode on only one ride and went in the lazy river. I was so nervous to perform because we had to change a lot of the moves. People loved it! Once these two Asian guys came up to us. Mine said “Hey what’s your name.” I told him. He said “What?” and moved his head closer. I told him again. He repeated my name. “So you got a man?” he asked. “No” I said. Then he said “Let me get your number”. “No” I said. He asked why but I was speechless. All I could think about was how much I actually wanted to give him my number and let him be my man. He was fine! And besides, dad was right behind him. Dad didn’t say anything though. He was watching “Elvis” perform on stage. The guys left and me and Lynn were talking about it saying we should’ve given them the rejection hotline. Anyway, I saw Ash! She was there with her brother James. Also another guy and a girl. They’ve been there since 2. I told her to say hi to her brother for me. They were in line to eat. She told him and they were both looking at me and smiling. So was I. She told his friend too. His friend and Ash kept smiling at me. I can’t wait to go over their house.”

June 23, 2007: “I had seen some other classmates there. Alex looked hot without a shirt on or glasses. He didn’t pay much attention to me. I kind of wish I wore my bikini but I didn’t want Lynn to feel bad. Her parents are way too overprotective when it comes to swimsuits. I have to get ready for the youth barbeque. I’ll take both swimsuits. I want to wear the bikini to impress Milo but if we aren’t allowed, I’ll wear my other one. Hopefully mom doesn’t ask anything about it because I don’t want her to stop me from taking a bikini. I was thinking that the new girl would probably wear one. I don’t think she should attract all the attention. Wait, that’s selfish. All we’re going to do is fellowship together. I sure hope I can fellowship with Milo though, you know what I mean?”

End of Part 1 of this journal. Part 2 coming very soon!

Published by TheLavenderWolf

I am a 27-year-old trudging through the perilous journey of healing myself from traumas from childhood to adulthood. This is the time of my resurgence.

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