This is the final part to this journal.
May 27, 2007: “Milo likes Pink. Yes, you heard me. Sharon was asking him if he knows who likes him. He said me. How? I don’t know. Then, Sharon asked him if he likes Pink and he said yes. Pink is Ann’s friend who is in the 6th grade. Milo is in 8th. Pink had acne but now she’s getting treatment. She dyed her hair platinum blonde and wears girly clothes now. I really thought maybe Milo was interested in me. At least a little but obviously not. I am very heartbroken and I’m probably going to see him tomorrow at the memorial day picnic. That will be my time to try and act normal like nothing happened and I’m not interested in him. Great. Anyway, I’ll watch TV. Actually, I have to iron. Bye.”
May 28, 2007: “It’s the morning of memorial day. Can’t stop thinking about Milo. When I think about him liking Pink, it hurts more than if he liked Mo or Jo. I feel kind of like Pink and her sixth grade friends are cooler than me. Maybe I stare and try to flirt with Milo too much. Pink is pretty much what I wanted to be, but now, I’ll create my own person.”
After the Picnic. “Well it was pretty boring. There was really nothing there to do. Pink was there. So was Milo. I ignored him, he kind of looked I guess. Maybe he knows my feelings are hurt. Pink does. I played baseball with the other junior high and younger people. Milo played. So did Marlin Dorcia. He’s sexier than Milo. I shouldn’t get my hopes up because he won’t like me. It’s because I’m black. No white boy likes a black girl. I don’t want to go through that again.” I believed this because in my little world, I had not seen this particular racial pair, especially in the church setting. “Marlin is a skater boy. His skateboard is cool. He did a cool trick and then looked at me. Wow. I won’t make it obvious, it’s better as a secret so maybe I won’t feel so bad. Then I can change my mind anytime and I don’t have to tell people. Man, I hate this. I wonder if things would be different if I could have a boyfriend. Maybe I would be more outgoing. Who knows. At least my outfit was nice. Man this sucks. No one except for Jo knows that I like Tina’s brother Marlin ha ha… maybe I’ll write a song about Marlin or maybe I’ll call him skater M. Pretty cool ha? No that was whack. I’ll stick with Marlin. That’s hot. The song didn’t get very far. It was crappy. I just can’t do it. I guess I don’t have a talent for it. My head feels weird. I’ve been thinking too hard. I’m out of school and I’m still writing and thinking about crap. Being 13 is bullshit.”
“I wish Marlin was holding me. He’d pull me close and say everything was OK. I’d feel his breath against my face, then our faces would get closer. Our lips would brush and then lock. After a while they’d unlock and we’d stare into each other’s eyes. He’d say I love you and I’d say it back.”
May 29, 2007: “Morning of school. I feel suddenly sad. Probably stress over the project. Hope it turns out okay. No dreams to remember last night. About boys, I told myself I don’t like Milo.”
“I hope I have time to go to small group today, if not, I’ll be mad.” My parents had a weekly bible study every wednesday with adults and couples from church. I enjoyed playing with the kids that were there. Jo and Mo attended with their families. One thing I noticed, and felt comfortable with, was the fact that the other families, with the exception of Mo and her mother, were people of color. We all attended the same middle and high schools as well. Most of the other white children from church attended the same schools. On Wednesdays, I felt like I was with people who accepted me and were fun to play with.
Reading about my crush that never crushed back was difficult. I felt sad for my teenage self. I was so in love I was consumed by it. My over analytical mind tried to dissect every little variable to try and get his attention and figure out why he didn’t like me. My social interaction with Milo was next to none. We rarely directly communicated, but were always in the same environment due to church. Normal teenage angst was magnified by anxiety and depression which I did not really write about since it was so hard to deal with. It was common for me to withhold writing in my diary when I was in extreme distress. I did not want to relive negative experiences. My way of coping with pain became TV/movies, music, dance, and dissociation, mostly in the form of persistent daydreams. There’s a part of me that’s embarrassed of my young mind. However, I was just entering into my teenage years. I cannot judge myself for not acting like an adult, because I wasn’t. I also cannot judge myself for having difficulties with mental health seeing as I was suffering from toxic religious ideals and my parents authoritarian household. Today, I still remind myself to be self-compassionate. It’s all too easy to judge and criticise oneself. But it is worth it and empowering to learn how to be kind to, heal, and uplift oneself.
May 30, 2007: “Morning before school and Milo is on my mind. Maybe I should ignore him completely. Maybe he’s had enough pressure from the sixth graders. I don’t know. He might like some white girl at school. Maybe I really don’t have a chance because I’m a nice type of girl.”
“Ash let me have her CD with Walk It Out. Walk It Out is first, then the remix is second, number three is Get It Girl, four is Shake remix. These are hecca tight songs. I would love to blast these in my room and dance like crazy. Too bad I would get in trouble. I think mom is here. Got to turn the radio off. Can’t stop thinking about Milo. Reminds me of when I gave Sammy a quarter yesterday and he held out his arms and said I love you. I didn’t hug him but I said I love you too. If felt good to say that to him. I didn’t hug him because I was sweating. Plus Frankie was freaking standing there.”
“Oh gosh! This is a major crush! I need to get my mind off him. Anyway, thinking of Milo makes me sad. He, well I think, that maybe he’s either annoyed with me or maybe he just really doesn’t like me. I just always look so stupid serious. I think he misconcepts those looks of affection for looks of annoyance or hate. If I act sad then Pastor T will think there’s something wrong, which there is, but I don’t want to tell him about my Milo problem. He’ll think I’m weird or maybe it’s not very important. I want a picture of him, but when would I get one? When he’s not looking? If I told Mo to help me or just so she’d know, then she might yell it out or tell him or something. Ugh! This thinking is exhausting.”
“Is this diary boring? If so sorry. Or if you’re a guy, sorry, this must be either confusing or weird. But you shouldn’t be reading this anyway, and when I find you, you will not live because these secrets will destroy my life if they are discovered so I will make your life miserable. Yes I’m talking to you, the person reading this right now so close the book now. And one more thing, Milo is sexy.”
For the group language arts project I had with Ash and Frankie, we dressed up in orange jumpsuits, courtesy of my dad who is a labor foreman. We all had a shovel and we utilized our backyard which at the time was filled with lots of dirt. My dad was in the process of building retaining walls. It was the perfect set up for our Holes video. We stood on top of our own mounds of dirt and lip-synched the lyrics. I added in simple choreography to take it to the next level.
“Our project was liked. People were like ‘Ash I didn’t know you could dance! Yeah!’ Thanks. I guess I did a bad job. Everyone knows Ash. People don’t get excited over me. I’m not exactly a friendly person to other people I guess.”
“It’s 9 something at night. I went to awards night. I got a dog tag for people with a 4.0 and higher. Cool!”
“This journal is almost over. Just wait until you hear summer secrets. That will probably be in my purple diary. I have to be careful what I write. Someone may one day read this. Maybe. I can’t stop thinking about Milo. No one knows how obsessed I am. He’s a hard time. I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I can’t go out with him and Pink and her friends are in the way. This is crap. Damn.”
June 1, 2007: “New month! Today’s the yearbook party. Mom gave me some markers to use. This is going to be fun. I wonder what I’m going to write in guys I like’s yearbooks like Alex James. I need to get dressed. The last pages will be for Sunsplash and promotion. I can add more paper if anything else…”
June 7, 2007: “Day after graduation. Yesterday we had promotion practice. It was probably two hours. Me and some other girls sat under the tent behind the stage. Lynn sang the star-spangled-banner. She was way too high and a little shaky. She was still good though. Mom thinks I could have done better. After practice I went to the hair salon. She washed my hair, put me under the dryer, blow dried it, then straightened all of it. Mom said that it was about halfway down my back. She didn’t burn me. Sometimes I felt hot pricks. Then she curled it. Mom put curlers in my hair when we got home. I put on my dress and mom did my finger and toenails with red. By the way, I sprained my toe on Elis Grayson’s trampoline. I had to ice my toe. When I was wearing my heels, I didn’t feel it that much. At the graduation, people kept telling me that I looked really pretty. That was cool. Leona said she would cheer for me. When I said my speech, I made no mistakes. Score! The sad part was that since my heels were so skinny, they kept sinking into the grass in the field.”
“I took pictures with family and friends. Boston said congratulations and gave me a hug. Mom is being such a tease, but I know she was joking. Boston is very respectful. I think he’s a good friend. I couldn’t find Ash. Oh well, me and Lynn took a picture too. We need to practice our lip-synch song for the 22nd. Her brother was there. He graduated from a continuation school. He was kicked out of S. High. Too bad because his dad is the vice principal. We all went to Mimi’s Cafe and I got country fried steak with mashed potatoes. The gravy was that white creamy kind. It’s in the fridge now. I couldn’t eat it all. I also had two glasses of strawberry lemonade. We took lots of pictures.”
“Eighth grade is finally over. I have U.R. workshops to look forward to. I’ll probably be the only 13-year-old. I will kind of miss going to school because I won’t see my friends. At least there’s still church. Well, I’ll have to start my summer diary soon. It’ll probably be a lot about Milo. I can’t wait until youth camp. I hope nothing goes on between Pink and Milo. That’s another story. Now I’m in high school, new people, new parties, new responsibilities. There’s a whole other world unfolding now.”