My2ndDiary: Age13 – Part2

April 9, 2007: “Today I had talent show practice after school. Me and Lynn are doing our lip-sync song for the talent show tomorrow at celebrate S. Middle School. Over 700 peeps will be there. Tickets are $.25 each.” This was an event thrown at our middle school where there were vendors and performances. It was basically a big party for reasons I don’t remember.

April 10, 2007: “Celebrate S. Middle School was today! There’s a lot to tell so bear with me. Me and Ash set up together. Me and Lynn are doing our lip-sync song. Sasha (my youngest sibling) said ‘there were some guys that were laughing at you guys. There was this one guy who looked like he liked you because he was all smiling at you and stuff.’ That’s what she said. Interesting… So there were a lot of black people in the front. The guys looked awestruck. It was pretty cool. I like that attention. Lynn’s mom who was a dance teacher said that I did really well and that my dynamics or something was good. She was gesturing with her arms. I feel pretty good about that. Mom said when I walked, guys kind of stared and whispered. She said I don’t look very approachable. Oh well. Sometimes I kinda wonder if people are afraid of me or they think I’m ugly or something.”

April 22, 2007: It was around this time where I started to crush more seriously on a boy my age that went to my church. He was slightly taller than me with blonde hair and blue eyes. His name was Milo. I believe I mentioned him in a sensual dream I had in my previous journal. My experience with this boy was my first unrequited love. Boy was I obsessed. He was climbing up on my list. A few pages back, I made a chart from 1 to 7 with 7 being the highest. I named the chart the Cuteness Factor. 1 is butt ugly, 2 is ugly, 3 is OK, 4 is cute, 5 is hot, 6 is fine, and 7 is sexy. From then on, when I wrote a boy’s name, I assigned them a number corresponding to the cuteness chart.

This photo was taken directly from my journal.

“I went to Pastor D’s 50th birthday just now. Milo and the twins were there. The twins are Ally’s brothers. Milo is so hot! He’s definitely a heartthrob. He has no clue. He’s a bit goofy, but who wants a boring guy. In the garage, he put a bucket over his head. He’s so adorable. I think he’s a 5. At youth today Milo was there. Pink likes him too.” Pink was not this girl’s real name, it was a cute nickname that everyone called her. Youth was a weekly group for the middle and high school students that took place in the evenings. We would have worship, play games, and listen to a sermon. We often referred to it as “going to youth or youth group.”

I watched the movie The Prince and Me and wrote in my diary about how in love the protagonists were, as well as how much they made out. I wrote “it makes me think about Milo. Milo is hot. Milo is a 6. He’s right next to the top. I can’t wait until I’m in love with someone. It’s that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the moon, world series kind of stuff. I think my problem is I think that people won’t like me because of my smile or hair. Especially because of this dark spot on my chin. It’s disappearing thank goodness.”

“Being a teenager sucks because no one takes you seriously and you’re trying to fight your flaws and everyone is out to get you. At the same time, you’re trying to find out who you really are. I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend, bummer. Not like anyone would ask me out. I think god is protecting me. Hopefully he will still protect me when I get to high school. I don’t think I can handle the pressure of guys anyway. Besides, I’ll be doing a lot more growing over the summer in the upper department I guess. I hope I don’t get taller. I’m already past 5 foot 6 and I’m not shooting for 6 feet. I don’t want to be taller than the guys I go out with if the chance ever comes.”

April 25, 2007: I wrote two songs and performed them to a poster of the Disney Channel celebrity Jason Dolley that I had hanging up behind my door. One of the songs was titled “Who Cares?” I didn’t finish the song, but the lyrics went: Who? Who cares?/ Who? Who knows?/ Who? Who tries? To see inside of me/ Who? Who listens?/ Who? Who hears?/ Who even looks at me?/ And what do they see?/ A tall little girl with her head in the sky/ Who waves shyly as boys pass her by…” It went on for a little bit longer but those are the only lyrics I remember.

April 26, 2007: “My poster of Jason Dolley has been under my pillow for about three nights now. Talking to him is pretty cool. It makes me not feel so sad when I think about how I’m probably never going to meet him or get a shot on TV.”

“On my social science progress report grade I have an 86.8 which is a high B. I have three F’s on three assignments because of two geobriefs and I lost the grade report. Mom hasn’t talked to me yet and she said she’s going to tell dad. It’s not even a big deal. It’s three little assignments. I got an A on all my tests. She probably won’t let me go to the dance tomorrow. Not fair. It’s not a really big deal but still. Just the fact that I made a little mistakes bothers me. The dance theme is Fun in the Sun. They’re going to have video games and the big slide and an obstacle course. I have to go to the Dentist. Bye.”

“Mom is talking to dad about me. Great, he’s going to be upset. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. He was a student and that means that he got Fs. Not just on geobriefs, tests too. Mom wasn’t all that either. We don’t have to be perfect.”

April 27, 2007: “Today’s the dance and it’s going on right now! Too bad I’m sitting on my bed. I’m not allowed to do anything including leadership stuff for three weeks. Why? I didn’t turn in two geobriefs and I lost a progress report. I knew that I could still probably make them up. Turns out that’s not a real progress report and those aren’t real grades. I have a B and that can be changed anytime and made up anytime. I did the geobriefs, then I went to his classroom during lunch and after school but he wasn’t there. Hopefully when I tell mom the news she won’t just say ‘thanks for letting me know.’ Now I can’t even help Alex with her senior project! She’s already short two people. That’ll make it suffer even more! By the way I made it into U.R.! That’s S. High’s dance team! Yes! It’s one of the hottest groups there! I might be popular! Score on new friends! So I had to write lines for an hour”

Writing lines is a punishment where you write the same sentence over and over. My mother gave me multiple pages of college ruled paper to fill out. “It said ‘I will not bring home any Fs on my unofficial progress report.’ I think that’s really stupid because they’re not official. It tells you what you need to make up so that you can get an official grade. Dad and I had an argument. He’s going to talk to Mr. Renerd about it. Woopdeedoodledoo! I hope he doesn’t come during class.”

“No Kyle XY for three weeks. I might die.” Kyle XY was one of the first shows I watched that wasn’t for children. It was on ABC family and I was obsessed.

“We were watching that movie Sleepover with Alexa Vega, but now I’m in my room because Nicole said ‘You’re grounded remember? You’re not allowed to watch TV.’ I didn’t do anything wrong. This whole thing is stupid. It’s fine. I’ll go see if there’s something I can do. Apparently I’m not allowed to just stay in my room. I’m very upset.”

May 5, 2007: “Cinco De Mayo! Nothing has happened lately except for me doing lines. At least I’m still allowed to do the senior project. We pretty much have the whole routine down.” I was recruited to be a part of this girl Alex’s senior project. Her goal was to teach a group of middle school students a hip hop routine and then have us perform it in our school quad during lunch time.

May 6, 2007″ I’m thinking about having a nightstand by my bed with a crystal ball and a genie lamp. It would be so cool if smoke came out of the lamp. Remind me to look at the moon tomorrow. Thanks. Smooches!”

May 21, 2007: I’m watching Kyle XY. Yes because I’m off punishment. On Friday was the entire 8th grade dance. Mom chaperoned but she worked snack the whole time.”

“I keep thinking if I’m close to a guy, he’ll realize how ugly I am. I have no self-confidence. When you’re a teenager, is all you think about sex? I think about it, but I don’t know why anyone would want to do it. It’s bad and totally embarrassing. I don’t want anyone to see my parts. I hate this, so many questions, emotions, imperfections. I wish I could have a bit more freedom. Maybe I wouldn’t be so stressed all the time. If I get a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be so mad that I couldn’t have one and I wouldn’t waste energy. Plus, I would be more happy and relaxed so maybe I would feel better about homework. Here’s what I’ll do. Don’t flirt, look good, and focus on dance and work. Boys don’t matter. I can dream, but take no action. Perfect plan. Goodnight.”

May 25, 2007: Today Lee and Ash came over to work on a language arts project. We’re advertising the book Holes. We are going to make a music video the Holes cast sang called “Dig it up” and a slideshow. We are practicing our parts on karaoke and Lee is a mic hogger. Not bad though. It was pretty fun.”

Published by TheLavenderWolf

I am a 27-year-old trudging through the perilous journey of healing myself from traumas from childhood to adulthood. This is the time of my resurgence.

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