Note: The quotes are passages directly from my diary. I corrected some grammar, but not all of it, wanting it to be representative of how my flow of thought translated to paper. The text without quotes are my own personal thoughts, explanations, realizations, additional memories etc. I have changed the names of everyone mentioned for anonymity.
My first diary is from November 2005 – April 2007. I was 12-13 years old. It starts off with me introducing myself and commenting on how my younger sister Ann gave me this journal and a green gel pen in exchange for helping set up for her big tenth birthday party.
On January 1, 2006, I wrote “I wanna be just like Sharpay on High School Musical and I want to have a lot more friends too. Everyone seems to have more friends than me.” I was shy and awkward and had trouble making friends. I always had one or two close friends, but still felt alone most of the time. I wanted to fill that void and feel more widely accepted.
February 4, 2006: Tomorrow is the Super Bowl and Jo will be there.” Jo was my best friend since I was 8. We met in the fourth grade in Ms. Sandy’s class. We had the same birthday and were extremely close. “In my opinion and Boston’s opinion, she’s getting really bossy and self-centered. Not so much self-centered but she has no trouble at all making fun of other people, including me.” Boston is Jo’s brother who’s the same age. Jo was adopted.
July 24, 2006: “I went to Kids Camp and the Youth Camp. Now sixth graders are included.” These Camps were church events. I went to Kids Camp that year as a special helper. Students in middle school got to be camp counselors, however, even though it was the summer before eight grade, I did not get to be a counselor. My birthday is in September and I was told counselors had to be 13. So Jo and I, who has the same birthday, got to be special helpers. Our main job was babysitting one of the adult leader’s young daughter. She may have been around six. I remember it being a lot of fun, but I did feel out of place. I don’t remember what youth camp was like that year and I didn’t write it down.
Reading this journal I noticed a pattern. Something I always brought up, day after day, was how much school work I had to do. I had a prayer journal and a princess coloring book that calmed me when I colored.
April 10, 2006: “My life is not very happy. Bye.”
August 3, 2006: I had a fantasy dream about a boy my age I was crushing on. His name was Milo. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and was taller than me. Dream Exerpt: “…’Can you kiss me one more time?’ Milo asked. ‘But John is kind of looking and it was a dare anyway.’ I told him. ‘John likes you and he deserves to be jealous.’ Milo said and smiled so Milo leaned forward and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he put his arms around my waist It was like an Anikan Skywalker and Padme kiss…”
August 6, 2006: I mentioned lists of hot guys I was crushing on, a lot. There was one boy I got particularly nervous around. At this time, surprisingly, it was not Milo. “I think I only get nervous around James. I have no idea why, when I’m around him, my mind goes blank.”
August 9, 2006: “Last night before karate, mom punched me in my thigh. Here’s why. Sasha told me to move, I finished my juice and I was getting up. ‘Move!’, said my mom, so I looked at the ceiling, blinked, and looked back at my plate while I started to get up. Then here she goes punching me. It didn’t even hurt, but she doesn’t need to know that. Thankfully, I have a lot of muscle in my thigh. I cried myself to sleep last night because Mo can’t come over today and I might not be able to help Miss Eve with her classroom. Plus my mom said that other people have noticed me rolling my eyes. She wouldn’t know that unless someone had told her. I don’t trust my sisters. And she was talking to Ann and she asked her if I was being mean or if I did anything wrong. It’s like she wants me not to have any fun.”
“Lately Ann and Sasha have been really rude, they’ve ignored me, and they only care about each other. Now, mom said that she needs to talk to me. If I get a woopin, I’m ignoring Mom Ann and Sasha. Possibly Nicole. I’ll ignore dad only if he takes mom’s side. I won’t talk to them and if I do, It will be if I have to. I’ll act miserable. By the way, did I mention that my life is miserable? My mom never treats Nicole like she does me, she never hits her either.”
“I just talked to mom. I can’t do anything for the next two weeks and that was dad’s idea. He took mom’s side. You know what that means. All I get to do is bible study and the leadership meetings. Now, mom is being unfair. I have to take everything on my floor and put it in the hallway so I can sweep and mop. I bet she won’t even braid my hair. I’m going to ignore her and the dorks so bad! And dad. And maybe Nicole depending on what mom is talking to her about right now. Mom said Nicole I need to talk to you. No doubt it’s about me. If Nicole spills the beans, my only friend is you diary. Talk to you about the bad things that happened later.” I drew a picture of an angry face and wrote next to it “this is how I feel.”
“It’s 9:16PM. I cleaned my drawers and closets with mom. The number of clothes I had greatly depreciated. And to make matters worse, dad still has to talk to me. He was like ‘you didn’t think you were getting away that easy were you?’ How rude. That’s not at all what I was thinking. I’m totally ignoring him. I can’t even work in the backyard. He said that I couldn’t even go to bible study. The only good thing is that mom braided my hair. No swimming for me!”
August 15, 2006: I went to a school leadership swim party. I was entering the eighth grade. At the time I was obsessed with a boy named Sammy, also in leadership. I had a friend named May who was a cheerleader and always seemed to be engaging in flirtatious behavior with Sammy. I told her about my feelings for him and I saw her look behind me kind of startled as if someone was standing behind me. I froze. I was too scared to turn around fearing it was Sammy. I looked at her and asked her ‘what?’ She played it off and said it was nothing.
“I went to the swim party today! Yes! I feel like the other girls, like May were kind of shutting me out. I just feel like I don’t fit in with the other girls. I want so much to be a part of them and for the boys to kind of like me too. I’m just heartbroken. Really heartbroken. Sammy is now my Prince Charming and not Tyler. I mean it seems like nothing else matters except for Sammy. Not to mention the other girls in seventh grade. This is bothering me so much. I wish I could just talk about it, but I don’t know if she’ll keep it a secret.”
October 20-21, 2006: Jo was over for a sleepover. We were watching the Halloweentown movie series. We also colored in coloring books and watched The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
November 3, 2006: I just watched a new Hannah Montana Episode and it was so cool because Jake Ryan was in it! She actually kissed him when they were arguing about each other being jealous. Man. I’m really jealous. I have got to step up on the fashion. Starting with the hair. I have got to get extensions! That’s a must. My desire to be an actress is very strong tonight! Oh man! I would have loved to kiss Jake Ryan! Oh my God! Fashion is my number one priority. I need attention! Here’s some of the small stuff I need to do. Make up styles for my hair so it isn’t so messy. Take it easy in P.E. Get extensions really soon or dress extremely fast in the locker room and fix my hair afterwards. I also need to get more sweaters. Maybe some glitter fingernail polish. Also, lips always should be moist. Lipgloss is needed. Shoes too, I really need to be ready early in the morning so that I might have time to clean my shoes and straighten myself up. Ooh! Always make my face smooth. Very good. Tight pants and small shirts are very good. If the shirt has big sleeves which is good due to my sweat problem then I need to tie it up in the back. Always carry a rubber band.”
“Another fashion tip is wear cute shoes and pants. I need to have more variety like Lily and Hannah Montana. I need long sleeved shirts to go under short sleeve shirts. Earrings! That’s another thing. Earrings. Also maybe if I carried a binder or better yet, a book! With a really cool book cover on it. Yeah! I’m watching High School Musical. Talk to you later.”
November 6, 2006: “I really need to learn how to write better stories. It makes me so frustrated.”
November 12, 2006: We ding dong ditched around the neighborhood with our friends Tina and Anna. I got a major adrenaline rush from that and thought that the other girls were mischievous. The same day we went to Tina’s house and jumped from the ledge about her TV onto her couch.
“I just have to be careful not to get caught if I sneak around and stuff. I’m kind of nervous about hanging around with Anna because she could get me in trouble real easy. This is a situation that is getting sticky. I can’t believe all the cool stuff I did today. I’ve only read about kids doing that kind of stuff, but I am proud that I actually experienced it!”
December 5, 2006: “I started my period on Sunday! Can you believe it! I’m 13 and I just started it. That’s not that bad although some sixth graders have already started. Today in PE, before I actually went to the gym a big ol’ blob of blood came out of my vaginal area. I felt it when I was talking to Maria. It was very disturbing. I changed my thing three times already today. It just doesn’t stop flowing. Mo is still being a bitch with a capital B. Every time I’m walking with someone she says hi to that person and not me. We haven’t talked for like two weeks. That’s the longest I’ve ever avoided a friend. Anyway I’ve got homework.”
To prevent this post from being suuuper long, I have continued the rest of the diary in MyFirstDiary Part2.